It’s well known that
it generally takes women longer to orgasm than men, but turns out
there is still a lot of confusion about a) how to orgasm and b) if you’ve
orgasmed at all.
Alix Fox, sex and
relationships expert for Durex told HuffPost UK: “I speak to a lot of
women who either think they can’t cum at all, or that they can’t get there
using fingers alone (only a vibrator).”
What does a female orgasm feel like?
The NHS says that
a female orgasm is: “An intense, pleasurable release of sexual tension is
accompanied by contractions of the genital muscles. A woman may be able to
experience more than one orgasm shortly after the first, if she continues to be
stimulated.”
Before
you keep reading, are you sure you haven’t had an orgasm?
This might sound
like a strange question, but sex and relationships expert, Tracey Cox,
told The Huffington Post UK, that just because you don’t think you have had an
orgasm, doesn’t mean you actually haven’t.
Cox says: “Yes this
is rather an odd question since your answer is probably, ‘Like hullo! If I had,
I’d hardly be reading this would I?’ But the thing is, thanks to the press and
porn where orgasms are both explosive and desperately dramatic, some women
imagine it to be something far more intense than it actually is. Have you
felt a build up of pressure and any contractions at the peak of it, no matter
how small those contractions are? If so, you might be having orgasms, just
‘small’ ones.”
This distinction is
important because if you are actually having orgasms but not recognising
them, then you need to focus on building up your orgasms (through Kegel
exercises and strengthening your pelvic floor), rather than focusing on not
having them at all.
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Why do some women struggle to orgasm?
Cox explains that
there are a variety of reasons why women struggle to orgasm. These range
from being too busy, not liking the lack of control, to not fancying your
partner anymore.
·
Too busy, stressed or angry
·
Don’t understand how your body works
·
Sexually unconfident
·
Lack of sexual communication
·
History of traumatic sex
·
Feeling rushed by a partner
·
Painful sex
·
Bored of your partner or don’t fancy them
anymore
Even if you aren’t
able to pinpoint where your struggle is coming from, these could still be an
underlying factor.
How
common is not being able to orgasm?
In the 2015
Cosmopolitan orgasm survey, only 57% of women were able to have an orgasm
whilst having sex, when they recorded male partners were able to at least 95%
of the time.
Shutterstock
/ Piotr Marcinski
Alix Fox said: “Few
people – females included – realise quite how long the process can
take. It is very common for ladies to need at least 20 minutes of
constant, repetitive stimulation in order to hit the Big O, and it’s far from
rare for it to take as much as 40 minutes or more of clit-polishing and
flump-fiddling for orgasm to occur.”
Mike Lousada, an
expert in psychosexual therapy told: “Male orgasmic response is a much
simpler mechanical process when compared to a woman’s orgasm. A female orgasm
is much more complex and is more connected to her affective and cognitive
functions as well as physiological ones - how they feel about themselves and
their partner. So a woman needs to “feel safe” to have an orgasm.”
So
how can I have an orgasm?
Cox says: “One
word of encouragement: the first solo orgasm may take ages to work up to, but
it gets easier and faster the more often you have one. Promise!”
1. Start
with a vibrator orgasm: “Some therapists will advise you not to do
this and to try with your fingers first, leaving the vibe as a last resort.
Reason being fingers are partner friendly. I agree it’s crucial you are able to
orgasm using your fingers but a vibrator is indisputably the easiest and most
efficient way to let you experience the feeling of orgasm. It’s pretty
impossible not to orgasm using a vibrator. Hold it against the closed labia
(lips of the vagina) at the top end so you’re vibrating the clitoris
underneath. Try rolling it, holding it at different angles and varying the
speed and pressure, until you orgasm. It really is as simple as holding it
where it feels good – and keeping it there.”
2. Fight the
urge to stop when pressure builds: “The feeling of orgasm is
frightening the first time you experience it. I was scared too – I seriously
thought I was going to explode and that I’d weed myself. But all that’s happening
is lots of blood is pumping to your genital and clitoral area. An orgasm is
simply the moment when your body releases the blood back into the body, which
feels euphoric. Once you understand what’s happening, you’ll (hopefully) feel
less freaked out by the sensation.”
3. Add
erotica: “Fantasise in your head about something you’ve done sexually
that turned you on or would like to do. Read a book on sexual fantasies or
explore erotica or maybe even female friendly porn. Try squeezing your pelvic
floor muscles and remember to breathe deeply.”
Bjorn
Vinter via Getty Images
Cox says: “Your
first orgasm is almost 100% likely to be achieved solo. This is because when
you’ve got your ‘L’ plates on, you feel a lot less self-conscious on your own
because you have complete control over what’s happening and you’re not worried
about what your partner’s thinking or how you’re looking.
“I have actually
never met a woman who didn’t have her first orgasm solo through masturbation. It’s
pivotal - not just for having your first but for keeping them (and you) coming.
Practice makes perfect.”
What about orgasms during sex?
Fox says: “Over and
over, women reported that their best sex – and best climaxes – happened when
the focus during sex was on relaxed mutual fun, intimacy and savouring every
feeling, rather than intently chasing orgasms as some kind of ultimate goal.
“It’s not helpful to
happiness to consider the whole shebang of banging to be a failure if a woman’s
body doesn’t manage to perform a particular trick.”
Cox says: “Here it
is in one sentence: act like a man. In the brilliant book ‘I
Love Female Orgasm’, author Dorian Solot points out what is blatantly obvious
but ignored. That guys don’t lie back waiting hopefully for their partners to
give them an orgasm during intercourse, they do whatever it takes to get them
there.
“They’ll thrust in a
certain way, rhythm, angle or speed, do it in their favourite position, make
sure they have the right fantasies they need playing in their heads and are
looking at what they want to see.
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