Here we look at how you can get
back to the sex life you want after birth while feeling comfortable and
confident.
Resuming your
sex-life may take time – you may feel ready within weeks or you may not be
ready for months. Every woman is different, so don't feel pressurised or worry
that you're not normal.
This is a time of huge readjustment as you learn
to live with, and tune into, your new baby’s needs so it's completely normal if
sex isn’t high on your agenda. Exhaustion is common due to broken sleep and the
increased demands on your time, which can have a huge impact on how “in the
mood” you feel.
If you do feel ready, you don't have to wait
until after your six-week check. It is advisable to wait until the post-birth
bleeding has stopped (often between 10–14 days, but it can continue for several
weeks). This is because your uterus is still healing and if you have sex before
the bleeding has stopped there’s a possibility that you could introduce an
infection.
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How different births affect sex
The time taken to recover from labour and get
back to having sex depends on the type of birth you had.
With stitches following a cut (episiotomy) or a
tear you’ll feel sore. Stitches should dissolve after 10 days and by two weeks
healing should be well underway, and the soreness should have reduced. If you
do have stitches, you may want to try positions that limit penetration or
reduce the pressure on the stitched area and remember to take it slowly and
gently when you feel ready for sex.
If you had a natural birth, you may just feel
tired and uncomfortable. With no tear or cut, healing will be swifter and you
may feel ready for sex earlier, although if you feel bruised or have some
grazing (which may sting) you may want to take it gently.
If you had a caesarean you may be worried about
the scar but it should be well healed by the time your stitches come out. If it
is still sensitive you may prefer to find positions that don't put pressure on
the scar.
Tiredness, fear of pain, or other fears
generally, such as any vaginal or scar tissue reopening, may all play a part in
your readiness to resume sex. Talking to your partner may help, as worries
around sex can delay arousal or sexual feelings. Spending time on foreplay and
not feeling that you have to proceed to penetrative sex may also help. Using
lubrication during sex can be helpful too.
Breastfeeding and sex
While you’re breastfeeding, levels of oestrogen
stay low to prevent you ovulating and falling pregnant (your body's way of
preventing another pregnancy too soon after birth). One effect can be vaginal
dryness. If this is the case, you may want to use some lubrication and take it
slowly. Low oestrogen levels may also reduce desire for some women and they may
find that they have a less sensitive clitoris too. Levels of testosterone (the
hormone that boosts libido) also fall, and prolactin (the milk-supply hormone)
rises.
Oxytocin is the hormone that makes your milk flow
and is released during sex, so you may spurt milk when you orgasm. Some couples
enjoy this and others don’t. If you don’t, feed your baby before you have sex
so your breasts aren’t so full, or wear pads inside a bra. Let your partner
know how breastfeeding affects your sexuality, and that you may not want your
tender, sensitive breasts to be touched. If you are happy to be touched though,
there’s no reason not to.
If your partner sucks on your nipples, you may
release milk which may take them by surprise. Unlike the milk of other mammals,
such as cows, human milk tastes sweet because of its high lactose (natural milk
sugar) content.
Your partner should also avoid going straight
from oral sex to nipple-sucking as they may transfer thrush.
Talk to your partner
To keep a loving
relationship alive, communication and a mutual understanding of each other's
needs are crucial. Let your partner know that when you’re coping with the
demands of a newborn, them asking for sex may just be too much. But make it
clear that, although your focus is on your baby, this doesn’t mean you don’t
love them or are pushing them away.
Likewise, your
partner’s desire for sex is probably not intended to be demanding but a way of
them expressing their love and affection for you.
Lack of privacy
Many parents feel inhibited by their baby’s
presence if they want to have sex. But don’t be embarrassed if your baby’s in
the room. He’s used to your body’s gurgles from inside. Hearing them from
outside won’t upset him, and he won’t care what you’re doing.
If he’s in your bed be careful, or put him in his
crib. You may get interrupted if he wakes for a feed, but he won’t be judging
you. And very soon you’ll get your privacy back.
Sex tips
- To combat exhaustion, accept all offers of help with your baby and the house so that you can rest. Once you’re rested you may feel sexier.
- Choose a time when you’re least likely to be disturbed by your baby – after a feed, for example.
- Talk to your partner about how you feel about the changes to your body and the ways in which you might like – or not like – to be touched.
- Gently explore your vagina with your fingers so that you can discover if there is any pain or change for yourself first.
- Don’t go straight for full penetration. Oral sex or mutual masturbation may be easier to begin with.
- Use a lubricant and make sure you are fully aroused before penetration.
- Try positions that limit penetration (see section on ‘How different births affect sex’ above).
If you have any
pain, discuss it with your GP.
Take your time
If
you’re not ready for sex, don’t feel pressured, many women report having sex
after pregnancy before they were ready with the main reasons being:
- Feeling pressured by their partner or feeling they were neglecting their partner.
- Wanting to ‘get it over with’.
- Feeling other women had already resumed sex.
It’s
important to make your feelings the priority. Don’t compare yourself to other
mum – they may not be admitting their true situation anyway. Crucially, try not
to feel under pressure from your partner. Instead share your feelings with your
partner and explain the big changes that pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for
a new baby bring about. If you do feel under pressure and are worried, talk to
your health visitor or GP.
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