I just had sex every
day for a year, and I didn’t tell you about it.
But I did video tape
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Just kidding.
I wasn’t even sure I
was going to go into it, but here we are. *pats the empty space on the
couch*
It was the email
that never made the emails, mostly because it was the kind of truth
that stung a little too much.
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Well to be honest, I
haven’t seen you totally naked in years.
Well, shit.
The fact is, I am
horrible at intimacy. I come from a family of non-huggers and I sometimes hate
my body, so yeah, recipe for Temple Grandin hug machine. My husband is gorgeous
and very, very sexy, but the issues we were having in the sack were all me. I
could not shut my insecurity off, and sex quickly became a really
anxiety-inducing experience that went one of two ways.
1. I avoided it,
because it was hot and stressful hiding my body under two comforters and a
snowsuit in the dark and instead ran a diversion play. I have cramps. I
have too many deadlines. Gigi is too scared to sleep alone let’s bring her in
the bed with us. Yeah, I used a 4-year-old as the most adorable cock-block
ever. You can’t be in sex mode after reading three Fancy Nancy books,
you just can’t.
2. I tried to
explain to him why I was self conscious, and then he asked why him
telling me how pretty I was wasn’t enough for me to get over it, and I felt
like a horrible, horrible asshole.
So after a lot of
crying and shrimp curry, I came up with the plan to have sex every day for a
year, barring any medical problems or logistical issues, and he seemed to be
pretty okay with it. I wish it could say it was a profound decision, but the
truth is, I was getting worried he was losing interest because I acted
uninterested out of insecurity, and he was getting nervous about me saying things
like, how awesome do separate bedrooms sound!?
(Spoiler alert: I
still vote separate bedrooms, but he’s a snorer and sleep chewer who is
vehemently against the color mint and my need for body pillows.)
We figured if we
focused on intimacy, eventually it’d rekindle all the things we spent sevenish
post-birth years back burner’ing out of sheer exhaustion and raging insecurity.
This is the same way I got over my fear of eating oysters and driving in the
snow. You just make yourself do it until you don’t notice it feels like mucus
or like you don’t know how to control a motor vehicle. You make yourself do it
until it becomes a place of comfort and safety. You make yourself do it until
suddenly, you love it.
Now I can’t speak
for Andy, except to say he had a really good time, but for me, a
year of sex became less about getting my sex on, and more about getting my
brain to stop being an asshole when I took all my clothes off.
It started off
pretty rough. I felt like I was always preparing for sex; Whore’s Bath &
Sink Shaving Badge #5: UNLOCKED. It got to the end of the day, and as I hunched
over the sink washing my face, praying for cold sheets and sleep, I’d realize I
still had the whole love-making thing to do, and it was like, awesome,
another daily chore.
But then it stopped
being a chore, and became the moment of the day where I was most at peace.
Where I could have an actual conversation with my husband and know he was
listening to me and not secretly watching television or elbow deep in Lego
assembly.
I told a few
friends, and they reacted pretty much the same way, oh I could never do
that. And I totally get it, but I actually learned a lot about myself
between the sheets.
It’s not
you, it’s me. Stop being weird about it.
So I disliked my
stomach. My thighs. How I looked laying flat on my back. A myriad of irrational
things, really, and I’d have the same conversation with Andy about it, telling
him I’m self conscious and I just don’t feel sexy, and then he’d spend 10
minutes telling me how gorgeous I am, and then another 30 minutes pouting and
being hurt that it wasn’t enough to make me change my mind. So on top of
feeling insecure, I felt like a jerk. That needed to stop. I needed to explain
to him that him seeing me that way is great, but unless I saw
it too, it didn’t count. I mean, at least if he expected me to be an active
participant and not just a hole laying on the mattress. It took a lot of
talking to make him realize that me not feeling sexy was not an attack on him,
and him being hurt about it only made me feel worse. I wanted to enjoy sex,
too. And the key for me being able to enjoy it is feeling confident and
gorgeous, and that was a me journey, not a him journey,
though having a cheerleader on the sidelines was a plus.
We quickly learned,
confident Brittany sex is way better.
Pretty
panties make me happy.
It’s no secret that
I love fashion and playing dress up, but I found that when I was at home in
mom/wife/muggle/couch mode, I was opting for ease. And that’s fine. Seriously,
I am not some bitch here telling you to wear heels to the grocery store or
pants to school pick up when you aren’t even getting out of the car and it’s a
total waste of clean pants. But one day I was getting dressed for an outside
wedding shower in 90 degree heat, and decided to forgo shapewear for regular
underwear, when I realized the only underwear I owned was either ratty
maternity underwear or cheap 99 cent briefs I grabbed at the end of a Walmart aisle
to get me through my period week. No wonder I didn’t feel sexy, I had the
undergarments of an incontinent nursing home patient.
So I went to Cacique
and stocked up on 5 for $25 panties. Some were plain and some were lacy, and
when I wore them they looked so pretty across my hips. I’d even find myself
walking from my closet to the bathroom wearing them, a stark contract to the
primal run I did covered in a towel with my spanx shoved into a ball of clothes
in my hands when I thought Andy wasn’t paying attention.
I went back to buy
more underwear, and even some cute lingerie that I tried on in the store and
sent photos of to Andy at work. Needless to say, he was excited, but it was
more than that. The effort I put into wearing the cute panties, even if they
were under a pair of jeans or sweat shorts, made me feel insanely gorgeous, and
my brain needed that.
I am my own
sex advocate.
I like being on my
knees and I’m not an inside climaxer, I’m an outside climaxer. I do like oral
sex, but I don’t like having my nipples touched, because they are numb. I also
hate having breath on my neck because I am extremely ticklish, and then I get
goosebumps and my leg hair grows in too fast. Please stop doing that.
All that? I had to
work on being okay saying all that out loud, and get over the idea
that I was being a selfish, demanding nympho. I deserve good sex as much as he
does, and instead of waiting around for him to figure it out, which is totally
unfair to guys by the way, I had to find my voice and use it.
Coincidentally, it
was a major turn on. Who knew?
Now what,
nympho?
We’re not hell-bent
on doing it every day anymore, but we definitely make more of an effort, and it
helped us be a lot more open with each other. I mean, if you have “ball
shaving” as a monthly google calendar alert, it’s safe to say you’re
comfortable talking about almost anything.
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